Monday, July 23, 2012

I Once Told My Dad I'd Put a Booger on Him...

...and he's never let me live it down.  Seriously.  We work for the same company (I'm a computer geek, folks) and everytime we're with the same client - which, by the way, is usually the client I'm contracted to - he warns them "not to mess with [me]" because I'll put a booger on them.  Embarrassing.  I've moved past the boogers and onto to bigger and better things, Dad.
Can you guess the Anchorman quote?
Plus, I definitely never put a booger on you that one time you made me get rid of my Rottweiler that I had for a month when I was five.  It was devastating.  So there's that.
Aaaaanyways.  I've been gone awhile, yes.  We know this.  So, why am I back?  Of course.  Wait, we know this one.  You need something, dontcha, Jess?  Well, why yes, Blog, I do.  I need some folks to hold me in shame and regret for breaking my diet.  Ok, so yeah.  It'll be self-imposed shame and regret, but at least it will be up here for me to be ashamed for people to read about. That works.

I'm bracing for the mass cringe that happens when I say this, but: I've gone Paleo.  And I like it.  I really do, I just have these terrible, stupid sugar cravings, and a house full of people NOT GONE PALEO!  Like, seriously, I'm surrounded by effing Swiss Cake Rolls, and Granola Bars (not the healthy kind!), and all those god damned pies and shit I make and I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO EAT IT?!?

So.  Paleo.  Paleo? Here's a list of what I've decided to give up and why:

This means bread, rice, etc.  Basically, I've bought into the whole Farming is Evil philosophy.  Really, though, it makes me feel yucky.  I get bloated, and then I get heartburn.  Because my heart then tries to commit suicide.  <--------*GASP* We don't joke about that here!!  Very often.

I've given up everything except half n' half, cream, and butter (and when I put milk and stuff in other things, 'cause I cheat).  It makes me bloated, has unhealthy fats, and I'm totally addicted to it.  So, ya know, I'm breaking up with it 'cause I love it too much.  When you love something let it go and hope it never comes back!

Duh?  Duh.  Gives me heartburn and throws my blood-sugar out of whack.  I'm already a nut job without the sugar.

For those of you already familiar with the diet (all two of you), here's what I didn't cut out and why (besides that fact that I'm a grown woman!):

I really only eat beans in chili, so if I cut them out completely I won't gain too much, but I'll have to further modify one of my all time favorite foods - I've already cut out the little bit of corn starch I use as a thickener, and the French bread I use as a spoon....and the Cheddar Cheese I sprinkle on top.  Leave me the damn beans and no one gets hurt!

I need something sweet.  I just have to remember moderation.  Blueberries and cherries have become a staple in my diet.  I feel like I've been missing out my whole life not being exposed to more fresh fruit and veggie choices, so I've definitely made it a mission to incorporate new and sometimes exotic vegetables into every meal!

This is the source of life, people!  Naturally raised animals have so much nutritional benefits it's ridiculous.  Take Grass Fed Beef for example.  It's lower in fat content, higher in Omega-3 fatty acids and conjugated linoleic acid (or CLA, another type of fatty tissue), and has even been shown to help reduce cholestorol levels.

Here's where my diet differs from the traditional (??) Paleo diet.  I'm not rich; I don't have my whole paycheck to spend at Whole Paycheck Foods.  So for now I have to eat meat from less-than-optimal sources.  On the bright side, I have fresh, healthy fruits and vegetables available that I can afford, so I'm working with what I've got.  Nothing wrong with that.

I love asparagus, broccoli, cauliflower, and plantains (which I indulge to eat once in a while); I've made Paleo Spaghetti with Spaghetti Squash, and Paleo Meatloaf with mushrooms.  I can't say I'm starving, or that I'm missing out on great food because I'm not.  Whole food tastes effing awesome!  Don't believe me?  Eat a Driscoll's strawberry from Shoppers, then one from Whole Foods.  The same brand!  But Whole Foods (or the farmer's market, or Trader Joe's) tastes so much fresher, so much's just.  You can tell it was grown with TLC.  (Awww, that's sappy.)

I'm supposed to eat coconut, and lots of it!  Coconut is probably Nature's Super-Superfood.  Coconut oil is the optimal cooking base as it's a great source of Omega-3 fatty acids; coconut milk is awesome as a substitute for milk (and it gives food that something that tastes great); and everyone loves coconut flesh!  (Right?)  Plus, let me just say: the smell.  OMGawrsh, I love that smell when I'm cooking!  (it reminds me of how I smell when I cook myself in a tanning bed).

I love you, Coconut Buddy!
Well, I guess that's going to have to wrap it up for now.  I know there's a ton more I have to share with you, but we'll save that for another time.  After all, I have to have a reason for you to come back, right?

What foods do you avoid because they make you feel less-than-optimal?

1 comment:

  1. I've been hearing a lot about Paleo Diet lately, but haven't really looked into. Sounds like it's working for you!